I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
