I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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