the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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