dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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