You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
