So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
