Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
