At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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