i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
