That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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