drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
