I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
