omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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