She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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