Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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