I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
