The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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