I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
