My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
