My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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