why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
