Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I want a musical about memes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
