I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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