get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's shark week go big or go home
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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