Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
