Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
