I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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