My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
be right there i have to get my cape
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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