somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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