I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
