Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
