Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
