he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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