I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and i looked up. we had an audience...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
