I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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