Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
