Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
