I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
