I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
