my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
