Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize