I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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