Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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