It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
