I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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