Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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