I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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