Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
