Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
