twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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