brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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