Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
