You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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