The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
