The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
