He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
