i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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