new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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