Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
