And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
