My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
